I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
