she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
As shirtless as possible
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
