Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize