At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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