dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
