You were right. It hurts to walk today.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
