it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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