I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
