Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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