theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
