I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
