I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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