my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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