my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
