my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
