A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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