Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
