so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
