Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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