what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
