She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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