Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
