She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
