can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
