she woke up with a sticky ear
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
time to smoke my breakfast
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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