She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
