Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
