I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
