I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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