I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
