All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
