R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
