my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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