apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
