and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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