You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
