his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
