You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
