Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
