Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
