if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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