Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
