I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
