Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
