I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
