why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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