Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
