pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
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