I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I would fuck him just for his dog
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
