I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
