I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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