I wannas sexs uuuuu
My Higher Power is John Stamos
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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