i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
