my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize