Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize