My girlfriend figured out who you are.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
