We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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