There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize