i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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