No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
