Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
