I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
