the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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