Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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