I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize