Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Barsexuality is the new black.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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