we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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