They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
