I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
God, I missed his penis.
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