he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
