he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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