I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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