I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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