if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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