final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
