before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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